a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
