We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
