I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
