I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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