Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
