I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
