remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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