Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
