Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
