It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
