My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
