Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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