I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
