wake up i wanna do it froggy style
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
