Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
