If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
