Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
