I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
