Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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