god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
