guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
