Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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