Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
