Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
