You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
