i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
