Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You are the jesus of drinking
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
