His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
