I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
