can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
