im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
