if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Boobs are out for the taking
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
