Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
