i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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