i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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