Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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