If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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