Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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