A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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