We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
