Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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