Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
