That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
