we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
