i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
