Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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