He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
