I'm eating all of the evidence.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
