If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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