I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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