apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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